Why Am I Here?
For as far back as I can remember, I have asked the question, “Why Am I Here?” like an endless mantra, an ever constant prayer. It took me 23 years to come to a critical point. Nothing else had ever mattered. Only my Highest Truth might ever hold me.
For the first sections of my life, I had to settle for less than the Highest, allowing myself to be pushed and pulled between the boring purgatorial regions of satisfaction and dissatisfaction, struggling constantly over externalised values that were never ever satisfactory. The effort just to subsist in this kind of environment brought a small barrage of health problems, physical weaknesses that led to an actual addiction to medicine, as I had to realize again and again how it didn’t resolve anything beyond mere symptoms for a limited amount of time. Like a dance, symptoms and medicine became a repetitive cycle of experiences designed to effectively raise questions and for me to look deeper for “another world” beyond the world. Once it was possible, I escaped from my home, Russia, stepping into adventures and profound self-discoveries where suddenly inter-connectedness brought me the actual medicine that instilled in me strength and an ability to sense inner knowing built on my own values and not those imposed by others. I observed how the changes in me inspired people around me, as I humbly noticed my changes motivated change in others. I was finally discovering that other world, and it was a journey inward just to accept what felt “too good to be true”.
I have always pushed my limits: learning to play violin, running full marathons, working for corporations when most peers were still studying at universities, giving up seductive career opportunities, I prefered jumping into various unknowns. I was learning to trust. And it was easy to know when it was time to move on. Within me and in us all, a gentle voice full of love and compassion speaks most intelligently, and this for me appears as an eternal dialogue happening between my head and my heart. I measure treasure not on what crowds deem normal and good - gold and god can only be treasures found in our chests. For me, love is guidance, a gentle friendship that often helps me to feel the pain that comes with just following the normal majority.
Ironically, I feel more pain through painkillers, which can take the form of sweets, cakes and the pleasure seeking pain avoiding cycles I am choosing to break free from. There is a loneliness in this, but a cleansing that teaches trust, trust and trust.
A key has opened the doorway to my inner self came to me just a few days ago. I find solace in the words - "profound shifts might happen while we are so vulnerably truthful with ourselves that we innately know how to transform through the inspiration and translation of our spiritual truths into manifested experiences. When we feel the divine in our physical bodies, there is an alignment taking place."
I had been in Bali for a whole year waiting, knowing I am here for a reason. I had been consistently keeping within a deep body-spirit-mind balance, through yoga, self-practicing in ways that helped me to redesign life from the freshest page. Buddhist philosophy and meditation practice was helping me to gain clarity and liberation from habits and values that were keeping me stagnant. It was yoga and meditation that kept me still as I underwent the Dark Night of the Soul, a despair that cleansed me of attachments, judgments and doubt.
This had all prepped me for the Inner Dance workshop I had just gone through a few weeks back. The word "workshop" would be the last word I would use to describe it. It was anything but that. The transformation that had happened was more real than real. I had longed for a lifetime's chance to see a pure experience free of any attachment to form in the mind.
One of my lingering questions related to my artistic tendencies. I wondered, why is it so hard for us to use art and creativity and the gift of expression that mirrors the infinite energy we all feel inside of us. Here, suddenly, was an opportunity to fully, fully let go of attachments not just from this, but for many past lives. I saw my actual personality show up in strength and confidence, backed by pure surrender, full knowing. As I experienced an enlightenment, a part of me doubted that this would last. That this magic would last after this "workshop" and the credits of this movie would signal that I would wake up from this beautiful dream where real is more real.
But everyday, I am waking up and the daily miracle is growing, expanding on and on. My heart is teaching me its own honesty and I am listening to its kind words - everything is exactly as it should be. The only thing asked of us is the only thing we keep forgetting - be as natural as possible. Be our selves. Tonight, a good friend had said people put themselves into ‘ideal’ boxes far removed from trees and birds and animals. They call this ideal box, "freedom."
In this, I have so many choices. And because there are so many, the context of truth gives me no actual choices. We have no other choice but to trust our hearts, follow the flow which directs us to the We that is Us. Today, we will change the world by changing ourselves. I can only start with myself. In this way, I am already changing the world.